My Struggle with Vulnerability

Every Wednesday as I drive to youth group, I pray for intentional conversations during our small group time. I pray for vulnerability and openness, so that we may encourage and support each other.

The very thing I pray for, I'm not good at practicing.

I'm not good at being vulnerable (and that's a very vulnerable thing to admit).

The majority of my identity is based off of being a Christ follower, yet somewhere along the line I tacked on "good Christian girl" to that. I know that I am strong in my faith and my life looks a lot different than someone in the world. I am a "good person", so to speak, although compared to the glory of God I am absolutely nothing. But the point is - I see myself as this person who has standards to maintain because of my faith.

Because of my faith, and how mature I am in it, I feel like I must be seen as strong always. I must know all the answers and hold fast to them. I must pour into others, because my faith is an example to those around me.

Because of where I'm at in my faith, I feel as if I cannot be weak. (That's a lie from the enemy, but the way he says it seems so sneaky in my brain.)

I do know the answers. People look up to me and look at the way I live as an example of how they should live. (I once was told that my face pops into my friends' head when she was contemplating doing something bad, and I was what stopped her.) I put this pressure on myself to live up to these expectations others have of me and ultimately I have of myself to be the strong, got-it-all-together Christian girl. I don't ask for help and I don't talk about the hard things I struggle with until I'm through it so that I can frame it as a lesson and something encouraging. I don't want to be a burden or get hurt so I keep my head down, keep to myself, and worry more about helping others than letting others into my life so that they can support me.

I pray for community, but I'm not doing the work to get the kind of friendships I want because I'm not being vulnerable. I hold up this shield, and I miss out on so many sweet connections and intimate moments.

I've even gotten this way with God. I carry my emotions and the heaviness on my heart so deeply and so individually that I have to practice getting real with God. I have to choose to be honest with God about how I'm feeling, no filters or politically correct answers, and let Him in on what I'm walking through. He wants to know it all, and He does, but He longs for me to bring Him into every situation and emotion.

So lately, I've had to intentionally practice getting vulnerable with those I love and trust. It's uncomfortable and makes me a little bit anxious at first, because there's always the fear of being hurt when I share something deeply personal to me. I bring up hard conversations where there's no quick answer or solution, and through it, I've found safety and comfort. I find so much peace in engaging in these godly, intentional conversations, and knowing that God is moving in the midst of them. There is joy in practicing the kind of friendships that God designed us for.

Note the word practicing. I'm not good at this yet. I have a hard time verbalizing the heaviness I sometimes carry, and the enemy would much rather prefer me to keep it all to myself. With how busy everyone is, it seems easier to carry it alone than burden someone else.

But in the word practicing, there is so much grace for me. God is teaching me. He knows this isn't easy for me at all, but He is so kind and patient, encouraging me along the way. My Father wants me to thrive, and to have the community both He and I long for myself, and so He speaks the truth over me. He has graciously put special people in my life to help, listen, and lift me up, and I am beyond thankful for that. And through having these conversations, I've had even more reason to praise the Lord and experience His goodness in new ways. I'm seeing evidence of His faithfulness and His presence, and that is so beautiful!

If you find yourself struggling to be vulnerable just like me, I'd encourage you to start practicing. Pray for and look for just one person you can open up to about what you're struggling with and what God is teaching you. Maybe its a parent or friend, a youth leader or a mentor. Whoever it is, take that one small step and initiate the conversation. It can be hard and scary, and if I'm being honest with you, not everyone will engage with you in a way that is uplifting or kind. But I have faith that with every step of faith we take, God will use it to bless and teach us. And while not every conversation will feel like a relief, I know that each one is leading us to the relationships that God carefully set aside just for us, right when we need it.

The thing that gives me the strength to be able to do this is prayer and the Holy Spirit. I am an introverted, anxious person, and it doesn't come naturally to me to open up to my people. But as I pray and lean into Jesus, I find that He empowers to me have these important, intimate conversations, and that He brings fruit from it, every single time. I get to see His heart in new ways, and that is an incredible gift. So, as I close out this post, I'd love to pray over us in this struggle.

Dear Jesus, I thank You for the opportunity to practice being vulnerable and sharing the burdens I carry with You and my community. Thank You for giving me the strength and encouraging me as I take steps of faith to initiate these conversations and deep my relationships. I pray over anyone reading this who is also struggling with being vulnerable, Lord, and I ask that You would give them the boldness to open up and the eyes to see the people You have placed in their life to help carry them. Would You train us to be people who do relationships the way You designed us to, and lean into You when we need support? Thank You Jesus that we do not have to do any of this life alone. I love You and I praise You, amen.