My Testimony: How the Lord is Faithful Through Every Valley (12 year baptism anniversary!)

Yesterday was my 12 year baptism anniversary (which is CRAZY), and in honor of that, I wanted to share a post that went deep into my story and the background of my walk with the Lord. My prayer has always been that God would use my testimony to encourage others and remind them that they aren't alone in their and that He isn't done with them, and that's my heart for this post! Ultimately, I want the Father's faithfulness to be showcased, and that you would be encouraged in your own walk with God when you see how He has come through for me - because He will do the same for you.

I do want to add a warning that my testimony includes mental health struggles, and so if that is triggering to you, then please feel free to skip over this post.

So, without further ado, let's jump in!

Studying God's Word and building a relationship with God has always come really naturally to me, and I have very vivid memories sitting on the floor in my room, reading my Bible, talking to God out loud. I had devotionals and Bible plans and even went through the Bible in a year during middle school. My faith was natural - and even from a young age, I loved learning about the Lord and walking with Him.

In middle school, my best friend at the time went through some really serious health struggles, and that knocked me to the ground. I'm not exactly sure why, but I remember the exact moment I found out and the feeling of anxiety that overwhelmed me - and stuck. I fell into a deep depression and anxiety, and it was as if my joy and personality were sucked out of me. I didn't feel like myself anymore, and I was just drudging through life.

Luckily, God coordinated a special friendship and teacher to walk alongside me through that season. Despite being in seventh grade, I was put in the eighth grade gifted class to make choir work in my schedule, and in that class, I met a new friend who encouraged me so very much. Her mom had battled cancer, and so she dealt with similar mental health struggles, so she became a huge source of encouragement. She would write me letters, speaking truth over me and reminding me that I was loved, never alone, and that the Lord would carry me through it. My gifted teacher was also a Christian, and her classroom became a safe space for me to be honest about the anxiety that crippled me and to release many of the emotions I had been holding onto.

Gradually, God slowly brought me out of that dark season. It wasn't a quick fix, but He did. I was consistently still doing my Bible studies, but I lost the words to pray, and was really just going through the motions in my walk with Christ. But, He was faithful, even in my weakness, and He sustained me.

Then, in high school, I walked through two more really dark seasons, struggling with heavy mental health issues. The first happened in sophomore year, and then again junior year, both triggered by heartbreak. Each time, my anxiety and depression continued to get worse, and I felt like a shell of myself. I floated through classes, feeling so alone and like I was drowning in my own thoughts. Some days, I even skipped class to sit in my coach's room, unable to fake it any longer or hold my tears in. I began wishing I wasn't alive to experience the numbness I felt, and I prayed every night that the Lord would take me home to heaven.

But, He didn't. Each morning, the Lord kept waking me up. I felt numb, but it didn't change the fact that He was still alive and moving. He provided the strength for me to put one foot in front of the other, slowly, at a snail's pace, but continuing to move. Jesus reminded me that He is a safe place for me to feel all the feelings - sadness, confusion, anger, despair. I found comfort in the fact that He had brought me through the valley before, and He would bring me through it again, even if this valley felt heavier and darker than the last time. I was determined not to give up on God, not to let myself fall into complacency and going through the motions. Many times, that meant I allowed the tears to flow in the secret place, honestly and vulnerably describing the pain to my Abba. I kept reading my Bible, learning and remaining steadfast. I was lonely and felt like no one really saw me, but I did my best not to hide from the Lord.

And then I met Koa. While the anxiety amplified, he stayed. While he was walking through his own valley, he held me up in the middle of mine. We imperfectly drew close to the Lord together, and he was such an encouragement to me, speaking life into the parts of me that wanted to die. Again, it wasn't an overnight fix, but a gradual healing, where slowly, I felt like I could breathe again. Where my mind was a safer place, and the world around me turned from shades of gray back into color. God brought life back into my mind, my heart, and my lungs, and my smile came back once again.

I don't know why the Lord allowed me to walk through that - let alone why He allowed my mind to become so dark in three separate seasons. But I look back and I see that He was constant. His character never changed, and He never stopped loving me. God did not give up on me when I wanted to give up on myself. His word remained true - He is indeed close to the brokenhearted, and He never left or forsake me. My Father kept breathing air into my lungs, kept waking me up, and I don't take that for granted. He protected me when my own mind felt like it was destroying me.

And that is my story. That God is faithful, He is good, and He is safe, even when you don't feel safe in your mind. That even when victory feels slow and trecherous, like it will never come - it does. In Christ Jesus, we get to declare victory over the darkness in this world, even if it's not immediate or instantaneous. Even if we don't get to see it on this side of heaven, we can have confidence that Jesus has won the war, and when we join Him in eternity, we will get to celebrate that with Him. No depression or anxiety or sucidal thought is too dark or too far gone for the Lord to redeem. No fear or struggle is too heavy for the Lord to carry. As long as you have breath in your lungs, God is NOT done with you, and He is still writing your story.