The Unaesthetic Part of Being in a Christian Relationship

Being with Koa is probably the biggest answered prayer of my life, and it is such a blessing to do life with him. I truly cannot say enough good things about the fruit of his character, faith, and how he treats everyone around him. Our relationship in itself is a testimony of the Father's faithfulness and redemption, and there's not a thing I would change about our story.

But God has been reminding me (and I'm here to remind you) that biblical dating is not simply cute Bible studies or praying together. It's not just going to church on Sundays and staying pure. It's not even sweet moments of reconnection (which I've shared here) or holding each other accountable. Those things are important, but they don't make up the majority of a relationship.

Perhaps even more important than all of those things is the refining and daily dying to yourself that must happen to secure a foundation for a thriving, long lasting biblical relationship.

I believe that your relationship will likely be tested and pruned no matter what, but especially if you pray that the Lord would prepare you for marriage or strengthen you as a couple. God responds to those prayers, and we see the evidence in our life where suddenly conflict arises more frequently, circumstances challenge us, and our dynamic simply feels heavier. We see the evidence when we begin to fight difficult battles in our individual lives that impact how we communicate and perceive their communication, and when change shakes up our expectations and plans in unpleasant ways.

There's a high chance that God isn't allowing these trials for the purpose of pulling you apart from your partner. Recently, God revealed to me that He's allowing the trials in our life with the intention of strengthening our foundation and refining away the selfishness to make room for spiritual fruit (Galatians 5:22-23).

Because the end goal of the fire is fruit.

And as Koa and I walk alongside each other, both chasing after Jesus and doing the best we can to love each other, the Lord so graciously purifies us - together and individually - to strengthen us so that we can look and act more like Him. So that ultimately, our future marriage will be an asset to the kingdom and a threat to the enemy. That kind of relationship doesn't blossom in the good times on the sweet dates and anniversaries - it is produced in the difficult conversations, seasons of struggling to connect, and constant surrendering to the Lord.

In this purification, I find myself being humbled daily. My selfishness and pride is being revealed in ugly ways, and I realize all the ways that I put myself before Koa. I'm not proud to admit it, but it's necessary. God can't produce the fruit of patience, love, and gentleness in me without clearing out the weeds.

I'm beginning to see and understand clearly for the first time that being in a Christian relationship means going through the fire together, exposing the sin in us, and truly sharpening each other just like Proverbs describes (Proverbs 27:17). It's not about being comfortable or brushing things under the rug, it's about allowing the Father to correct and discipline us when our way of doing things isn't honoring to Him. It's really not about being right, but about being servant-hearted, and learning to put the other person before yourself, even when it costs you.

But I promise you, if you walk through the fire hand in hand, eyes fixed on Christ, the refining will be worth it. The closeness and connection to each other, rooted in your faith, is priceless, and that's what will help your relationship stand the test of time. Your own relationship with the Lord will be stronger, because you had to depend on Him in ways you've never needed to before. The fire is what produces the fruit, and the fruit is what allows your light to shine brighter - and when two believers are shining together, that light is amplified.

So lean into the uncomfortable. Lean into the heavy conversations. Lean into the Lord. And watch how you are transformed to glorify Him more.

I wasn't expecting to experience this as Koa and I grow together and pray about our future together, and it honestly took me by surprise. It's not easy, and there's many days where I fail and selfishly choose myself instead of Koa. But I'm beginning to see that God has a much wider perspective than I do; one that spans the length of our lives instead of the length of this summer. I'm beginning to see that there is purpose and life in the fire - not death, destruction, or defeat. And I'm hopeful to see what the Lord wants to produce in and through us.