This cross country season has been a very bittersweet one. Ever since my freshman year, I've been dreaming about this season; conquering PRs, leading the team, competing at state, being healthy. But as Proverbs reminds me, it's not my plans that prevail, but the Lord's purpose. My team and training looks nothing like I thought it would, and I've honestly been wrestling with so much confusion and frustration towards God, because I had believed and imagined for so much that hasn't come to fruition.
So yeah, I'm disappointed this season isn't going the way I had prayed for. I wish I was running six miles and doing the hill workouts with the team. But every day, the Lord is challenging me to be grateful for what He has given me.
While I'm not running six miles, I am running one mile. My legs are feeling healthy and strong (knock on wood), and my mind is tough. My coaches are supportive and I get to cheer on my team. I'm hydrated and eating foods that fuel my body, whether for a run, a bike ride, or simply to yell at my teammates.
Recently, there's this tension within my soul. My flesh wants to be frustrated and long for what I don't have. I want to hold my own plans tightly, resisting the reality of my situation. But the Holy Spirit inside of me wants to help me let go of all of the anger and discontentment so that I can still enjoy this season I'm in. He's trying to cultivate an attitude of gratitude within me, so that I don't allow a void to grow between me and the Father.
It's hard, but I'm trying to be intentional about leaning into the Holy Spirit. I'm working to push past my fleshly desires and thank the Lord for all the good things He's given me - because He has blessed me in so many ways. I want to bring my feelings to Him, because they are valid, but I don't want them to consume me or push God away.
One morning at church, we were worshiping and I was kind of talking to God about everything on my heart. I looked around and saw so many people raising their hands in faith, joyfully praising the Lord, and my heart was so discouraged. I've felt so heavy with all the things I'm wrestling with (even outside of this cross country season), and I find myself comparing my valleys which what appears to be everyone else's mountaintops. It makes me want to become a different version of myself, the one who has it all together, because to feel behind, broken, and disappointed is really hard to face. I want to be worshipful and bring it all to the Lord, but it's hard to be vulnerable and raw.
There's all this conflict, but I'm learning that it's okay. That all of these feelings and thoughts can coexist.
I'm allowed to have questions and frustrations about the season I'm walking in. But I can also choose to be grateful and praise God for what He has given me. I can recognize that I'm struggling to be vulnerable with God, but I can also choose to push through that and lay it all at the foot of the cross.
I can acknowledge the pull of my flesh, but resist those desires so that I can more completely walk in the Spirit.
I can feel my feelings, yet decide to walk in faith.
I think this wrestling and choosing is a crucial part of the maturing of our faith. It's when we have to deny ourselves and consciously abide in the Lord that we become more and more rooted in Christ and grow closer to Him. That's how we keep stepping away from worldly habits and behaviors into intentional actions that reflect Jesus. It's not easy - in fact, it's incredibly uncomfortable - but the intimacy with the Almighty God that we will experience because of it is far beyond worth all of the pain.
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