How Koa and I Prepared Our Relationship for College

Last week I talked about how prayer is the biggest thing that helped me prepare for college, and this week I'm excited to talk about how Koa and I prepared our relationship for college. Thinking about doing long distance and moving apart was a very scary thought to me, and with both of our busy schedules, I was just really anxious about what our relationship would look like. But over the past several months, we've been really intentional about our conversations and talking through our expectations, priorities, and fears, and it has really transformed the way that both Koa and I feel about moving to college.

Again, such a simple answer.

Communication.

I've always prided Koa and I in being really good communicators, but we've been extra-intentional about it in this season, and it's made the biggest impact. I'm so thankful to have a partner like him, and I pray that this post would encourage anyone in a relationship or raise the standards of anyone who is looking for a partner.

Today, we're going to jump into three different categories of things that Koa and I have discussed to prepare for this transition to college, and I'm going to share some questions to help you begin these conversations!

1. Our expectations

Koa and I are both two different people, and so as we've though about college, we have different ideas of what our relationship and schedules will look like. We have needs and wants, and it's been so beneficial to talk through those things so that we can be on the same page. We've discussed what we're hoping our jobs to look like, our classes, and the different activities we're wanting to be part of, as well as the time we hope to spend together (either in person or over the phone). Your partner cannot meet your expectations or understand your perspective if you don't take the time to explain it to them, and so that's something we've tried to prioritize especially now to make the move as peaceful as possible.

If you're not in a relationship right now, I'd challenge you to think about the ability to communicate with a potential future partner. When you're talking to them, are they receptive and understanding, or do you feel somewhat shut down and misunderstood? Do they take the time to hear you out, or immediately jump to conclusions or twist what you're trying to say? Koa is so easy to talk to and gentle when I communicate, and since we both try really hard to be good listener, it makes our relationship so much easier.

To get started, try asking:

• How much do you expect to be gone (whether for work, school, practice, etc)?

• How much time do you think we will get to spend together? What will that look like?

• How can we have intentional date nights together?

• What do you need from me to make you feel loved and secure?

• What are the non-negotiables in our relationship and schedule?

2. Our priorities

This ties right in with our expectations, but we've had to talk about what is most important to us in our college experience and our relationship. What matters to Koa and I, like FaceTiming, in person time, matching, and keeping each other up to date with what we're doing, might not be what matters to everyone else, but that's why you have to talk about it. Getting involved in small groups and Christian community is a high priority to us, so when we are in college, we will know to be supportive and allow extra space for that. It's a priority to us that I come to his football games as much as I can, so we both look forward and find comfort in that.

To those not in a relationship or thinking about dating someone, evaluate if your priorities are the same. It would be ten times as hard for Koa and I to love and support each other if what mattered to him didn't matter to me. We have differences, of course, but we know what is important to the other and we choose to prioritize that too. Relationships involve so much selflessness, so if you're not willing or ready to make space for what matters to your partner, then you need to do some heart work.

If you need some help starting these conversations, try asking:

• What are you most looking forward to? What makes you excited?

• How can I support you in this season?

• What is the biggest way that you need me to love you so that our relationship stays strong?

• How are we going to make time for our relationship every day/week?

3. Our fears

It is so important that you communicate with your person what you are afraid of heading into this season (or week). If you're with the right person, they will help reassure and encourage you, which not only brings you closer but helps you love them better as well when you aren't living in fear. As Koa and I have been preparing for college, this conversation has been huge for us, and it is only when we are honest with each other that we get to find relief and peace. We can be proactive to avoid triggering anxiety or worry when we're aware of it.

It is so important that as you share your fears with your boyfriend or girlfriend that you take note of how they respond. Are they gentle and receptive or defensive? Do they take the time to listen and reassure you? These things are so important to take into consideration, because if you can't comfortably talk about what makes you afraid or anxious, then that relationship will not be a healthy one. Also reflect on yourself, too - are you listening and being gentle when your partner opens up to you?

Starting this conversation doesn't have to be hard! It's as simple as asking:

• What makes you nervous or fearful heading into this season (or week)?

• How can I best love and comfort you when you're feeling anxious?

• What can I do to prevent you from overthinking or worrying?

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It sounds cheesy, but it's true: communication is key! Whether you're preparing for a new transition or just heading into a new week, making space for intentional conversations is so important to the health and strength of your relationship. Koa makes it so easy to go deep and vulnerable, and I am forever grateful for his gentle heart. I pray that you would be able to find a person like that, and that this post would encourage and challenge either your current relationship or your future one. God has given us so much grace, and revealed to me that our high expectations for our relationships are not hopeless, and He has a special person out there for us. No matter how many times you've been hurt or rejected, I pray that you would be reminded to keep hope and lean into the Lord for discernment over your relationships.