The Moments You Want to Pull Away From God is When You Need Him Most

My transition to college has been uncomfortable for many reasons, and at some points, I've found myself resisting being in the presence of God. I know it's what I need, and it's where I find my peace and my comfort, but sometimes it's really hard to resist my flesh, stop relying on myself, and embrace the grace that God is inviting me to walk in. I get lost in my head, distracted by my feelings, and before I know it, I've started leaning more on myself and my logic than God and His abundant wisdom. I feel too far gone, too broken, too emotional, too much for God, and resist coming back to Him. I feel frustrated with God that He's not moving in the areas that I've been praying about for years, and sometimes, I notice resentment creeping in.

So, yeah. Sometimes the last thing I feel like doing is coming to the Lord. It's not always a beautiful, happy feeling - sometimes it's really uncomfortable and I have to sort through some less than pretty emotions and lies that I've been believing.

But those are the moments when I need Him most.

Those are the moments where growth truly happens.

Those are the moments when I experience freedom and peace from the burdens I've been carrying.

God isn't just there for us when we're happy and joyful. He doesn't only invite us to the table when we've been a "good Christian," obedient and faithful in prayer, He also welcomes us and draws us near when we've fallen off course a little bit (or a lot) and feel far from Him. He welcomes the frustration, anger, hurt, and resentment. He understands the battle with our flesh, and our loving Father is trying to meet us where we are in that.

But we have to make the decision to let Him in.

Jesus can knock all He wants, but until we open the door to let Him in, we will never be able to experience the life, intimacy, and relationship that He's offering.

We won't always feel like praying or want to read our Bible, but that's when we need to the most. That's when we need to train our minds and hearts to center on the Lord, instead of following our fleshly desires and giving into distraction or relying on our own self. And He's more than happy to meet us there.

Something that the Lord is encouraging me with is that His voice is the still, small whisper or peaceful thought in my mind, but I have to be quiet enough to hear it. He isn't hard to find or engage with or be close with, but I have to make the choice to free up my heart and my mind to experience Him. When I'm resisting surrendering and meeting Him in my emotion, He's teaching me to first slow down, be quiet, and create space. When I create space instead of clenching my fists over the situation or my feelings, He is able to move, speak, teach, correct, and encourage me - because I made the choice to accept the invitation He was offering.

And when I unclench my fists and let my Abba in, my heart softens and I find a taste of healing, relief. When we try to do this life on our own, without our Father helping us every step of the way, we become so incredibly burdened. It's like a weight is lifted off my shoulders when I hand it back over to God, and while some of my frustrations and emotion remains, I at least am comforted by knowing I don't have to do it alone. He's still right beside me, holding my right hand.

Our God is good. He desires us, even when we feel the least desirable. He wants us, even when sometimes we don't even want His presence. He chooses us, when we don't choose Him. And His door is always open, if we'd only decide to walk through it.

I've never once regretted walking through the door that He invited me into. I've never once regretted choosing my Abba over my flesh. It's an intentional decision, but it's the best one you could ever make.