What To Do While You're Waiting for Marriage (PART 1)
Koa and I are in an in between season where we know we want to get married, but because of our circumstances right now, we have to wait a little bit. And to be completely vulnerable, that's been difficult for me. This season has been challenging my patience and requiring me to depend on the Lord in a new way, and I am so grateful for that, but I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed every second of it! There are moments that I feel really discouraged, like waiting any longer is pointless. I feel like we have nothing to do for the next few years while we wait, and that makes me want to rush even more.
Let me tell you, those are lies from the enemy.
No matter what life circumstance you're waiting on, whether it be a relationship, having kids, getting into college, earning a promotion - whatever it is, the waiting to get to that season is not pointless. It may feel long and discouraging, but there is most definitely a purpose in it, even if you can't feel it right now. Hearing that may not even be helpful right now, but it is the truth.
So today, I want to write this post as a reminder for myself, but also for any of you who are also waiting to get married (single, dating, engaged, all of you) and talk about how we can wait well for that season. I want to invite the Lord into this conversation and reveal to us really practical, helpful steps we can take to not waste this waiting, but instead grow in contentment and our character right where we're at.
1. Prioritize community.
The Lord has really challenged me to use this season as an opportunity to focus on deepening and growing my community. It's really easy to fixate on the thing you want (in this case, a relationship or marriage), but that's not the healthiest step. Before we get married, and especially in college, we have a once in a lifetime opportunity to focus a large majority of our attention on our community, and that is really a gift from the Lord. We have the ability to pour in more of ourselves into our friendships, our Bible studies, and our church because we aren't first pouring into a marriage.
Not only do we just have the ability to pour into community, we need community. In every season of life, but this one just as much. As we are waiting to find our person or to get married, we need godly friends to be pouring into us, giving us wisdom, and praying for us. We need those outside perspectives of our partner's character, to hold us accountable, and to simply encourage us when we're feeling tired of waiting. I want to use this season as an opportunity to create a village around me, so that as I wait, and when I do get married (and eventually have kids), I have a core group of people walking alongside me, doing life with me, and who are there to support me when I need it. (And so that I can support them, too!)
This is a crucial "building" time in our life, where we have the chance to start creating the life we've been praying for (with the Lord, of course). A huge part of that is making space for intentional friendships instead of allowing ourselves to be lonely and rot on the couch, wishing we were married. If you need some advice on how to get started on building that community, I just wrote a post on that!
2. Ask the Lord for practical skills and traits that you can be working on right now.
I hate hearing the advice to use this time before you get married to build your character, because my pride tells me I'm perfectly ready, but the truth is, I'm not. I will never, ever run out of things to work on, and really, any season we should be making a consistent practice of repenting, asking the Lord to reveal parts of us that need to change, and then growing from that.
I'm starting to make more space to specifically reflect and ask the Lord what He wants to grow in me or wants me to work on before I get married, and then create space for me to listen to His response. There's a long list for sure, but it honestly encourages me to hear how He's working in me, and to have things that I can conciously be working on too. It makes this season feel more purposeful.
A few things I'm working on right now are letting go of control, depending on the Lord, and watching my words, trying to prioritize building Koa up instead of tearing him down. I'm also learning what it looks like to steward a home (including cooking), since I'm living by myself right now. All of these things are practical things that I can be praying about and practicing, so that I can work on becoming the wife I want to be. It doesn't do Koa or I any good to just be sitting around twiddling our thumbs, thinking about being married! We need to practice (individually - we're not playing married) the character traits and skills we need to be a loving, wise, mature partner.
3. Learn about your person in new contexts.
Koa and I have been together for over 2 years, and while in the grand scheme of things, that isn't that long, we've grown up so much together and made so many memories. Lately, I feel like we've gotten in a routine (which is so fun, don't get me wrong), but we aren't taking as many adventures or creating new experiences. Routines are so helpful so you know what to expect, but it's easy to get in the habit of not asking questions or being curious about your person.
No matter how long you've been together, continue to get to know them. Plan new date nights (they don't have to cost a fortune!) or go on a mini road trip together. Try new things, cooking new foods, or doing a craft together. Learn about your person in new situations, and not only will it be so fun and create new memories, it will also bring you closer together. You'll get to fall in love with even more sides of your person, and that is such a sweet gift. Just because you're waiting to get married doesn't mean you have to wait to go on an adventure, learn about them, or make memories. Never stop learning about each other - and that may require both of you to get out of your comfort zone (or your town) for a bit!
4. Get your boundaries strong and in place.
The closer you get to being married, the more you want to be married, and the more you want to act married - but you're not married yet. I think it might be a universal experience to struggle with physical boundaries the longer you're together and closer you get to being married, and that is nothing to be ashamed of! This is just an area for you and your person to grow together, lean into the Lord, and strengthen your boundaries.
It's really important to have clear and open conversations with your partner about areas of weakness, what tempts you, and what helps you remain pure. Your goal is to protect them and their purity, and their goal should be to do the same for you. You are a team, but you aren't one yet, so that means that you need to prayerfully decide boundaries to set in place that keep all of your actions loving instead of lustful.
This may be an area where you need to bring in loving, wise council to provide wisdom and hold you accountability. Not everyone needs to be let in to this area of your relationship, but it may be a good idea to invite a few people you trust to speak into you and challenge you. You don't have to do this alone, and the enemy has authority over whatever remains in the dark, so bring any challenges or temptations you're facing into the light, and walk through it in community.
Guys, the Lord has been encouraging me SO much through this post, and I hope it's been so helpful for you too! There's even more I want to share on this topic, so we will pause here today and pick up on the rest next Tuesday. Waiting to get married can feel really discouraging or never ending, but I really don't believe that's God's heart for this season. There is so much purpose, so much work to be done but also so many gifts to be enjoyed, and I want to soak all of it up.
Is there anything from this post that stood out to you and was helpful? Are there any other pieces of advice you'd give to someone who is desiring but waiting to get married? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below!
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