My Default is Earning | the reality that sometimes grace is hard to believe

This post is me processing things out loud with the Lord about core beliefs that I've been holding that are holding me back from intimacy with my Father.

At Bible study tonight we were talking about how no sin can separate us from the love of God. Nothing we do can make God love us any less, and He is constantly faithfully pursuing us and chasing after our hearts. I've really been thinking about this, and in this season, I do feel farther from the Lord, and so I was trying to remind my brain that even though I feel farther and I feel like my Bible study or prayer isn't enough, nothing can take me out of the Father's love.

I came back to my dorm, and I'm thinking about this and praying about it, and I realized that I've been walking in a faith by works mentality. I wouldn't put that on anyone else, but that's my expectation of myself. When my Bible studies are in depth and my prayer is passionate, I never doubt if I'm enough in the eyes of Jesus. When my faith feels strong, I feel loved by God. But when I go through change or a struggle and my faith doesn't seem as on fire as it once was, I begin to question if the Lord loves me. I question if I'm enough. I repent for not praying enough or not connecting enough with God in my Bible studies. I "feel" farther from God because I, in my own eyes, haven't earned His love or His presence. My less than spectacular faith must mean that God loves me a little less and that He's far from me because I haven't been "good" enough for Him to draw near.

My default is earning.

That makes me sick, y'all. Because that is not the truth.

Jesus didn't die for me to still have to earn His love. Galatians 2:21 says, "I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

If I could have prayed my way into the presence of God, Jesus wouldn't have had to die. If perfect Bible studies made me loved by God, Jesus wouldn't have had to die.

But Jesus did have to die, and His love or presence is not conditional based off of the good things that I've done. It's not based off of if I've loved Him well enough. It's unconditional, no strings attached, offered even when I've done nothing to deserve it. It's freely and abundantly and so gently offered.

Jesus isn't waiting to work in my life until I get my act together. He's not waiting to show me His presence until I reach a milestone or regain a certain amount of faith or prayer or confidence. He's working now. He loves me now. And nothing will change that. No amount of sin or falling away will ever change how He loves me.

Jesus didn't die because I was enough or because I could be enough on my own. He died because I'm not enough, but He still wants to be close with me. He wants to be in a personal, deep, intimate relationship with me, and that's why He died for me, and that's what I have access to right this moment. Nothing I could ever do (or not do) can disqualify the cross and what He already paid for me. He paid it all, and I am covered.

This is so hard for me to dismantle. I know it with my head but my heart, my heart has been believing these disgusting, nasty lies that I have to earn it.

This is me being really real and vulnerable, giving you a real time look into my brain and what God is working on me today. I don't have the solution or the pretty, aesthetic, Instagram worthy quote to make us all feel better about how difficult and deep some of these beliefs can go. But what I do have is prayer, and all I want right now is to be comforted and reminded of the love of my Father who gave up everything for me.

Would you pray with me?

Jesus, these are some real, difficult lies that You are revealing to me, that I've been believing. That do not align with Your word or Your heart for me. God, that is hard. That is scary, and I'm not really sure how to retrain my brain to walk in the truth. Would You please help me? Would Your Holy Spirit work in me to correct the lies and see the world and myself through the lens of grace and love which You offer me? Would You help me untangle the lies from the truth? I need You Jesus, because I don't know how to do this on my own. I want to thank You for Your grace. Thank You for the cross and loving me so much that You took my place, the punishment I deserved. Thank You for teaching me and never giving up on me. I love You Lord and I'm so thankful for You. Thank You for not leaving me in the lies and the striving and the earning. I want to live for You and You alone Jesus, not out of my own strength, but out of all of the love and kindness You've poured out to me. I love You Lord. Amen.